Okay. With that disclaimer out of the way, let’s celebrate
some of the dumb headlines that have ended up in print. Headlines
that look normal five minutes before the deadline and funny as
hell when the paper is on the street.
Bill Would Permit Ads on Eyeglasses
Wow. That bill will make it hard to read
the bill.
Teachers In Florida Will Get Criminal Checks Starting
Next Month.
Imagine how mad criminals will be when teachers
get their checks. The criminals needed those checks
to pay their rent.
Daughters to Replace Retiring City Engineer
The engineer said, “If I had known my daughters could do it,
I would have given them the job years ago.” (Actually, he was replaced
by a guy named Dave Daughters.)
Bridge Closed by Accident
The bridgetender was seen with his hand on a switch,
saying, “Ooops!”
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Oh, come on. Couldn’t they just give them
a warning?
Nude Woman Held by Police Officers
And everyone was volunteering for that
duty.
Four County Liquor Stores Sold to Teen
Where did the teenager get the money to buy four
liquor stores?
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
That’s a stiff penalty. Couldn’t they at least
put him in a cello case?
Workers Accused of Selling Stamps to be Burned
Isn’t that a harsh punishment for selling
stamps? Even drunks only get nine months stuffed into a violin case.
Report Says Poor Children Fall Through Safety Net
While those darned rich kids manage to hang
on.
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
The needy said, “Yuck. No Thanks. Just give me
some soup.”
Florida Couple Arrested for Selling Tickets to Heaven
Tito and Amanda sold “golden tickets to heaven” to
hundreds of people for $99.99. Each ticket reserved the bearer a spot in
heaven. Tito said that Jesus gave him the tickets behind the KFC.
Fire Suspected as Arson Guts Three Houses
We would suspect fire if four houses were gutted
by arson, too.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Good grief! Just how much are we paying
this guy?
Heat Waves Linked to Warmer Temperatures
Are these guys related?
Most Earthquake Damage Caused by Shaking
This is giving experts a bad name.
Scottish Balls by Reservations
We wouldn’t touch this one with the proverbial
ten-foot pole!
Copyright 2023 Lary Crews
